Abstinence Only

Via Joe.My.God.

Two parody "abstinence only" websites "produced by the US Dept. of Health & Human Services and the White House Office of Youth Purity" (from the good people who brought you White House.org).:

Sex Is For Fags (the abstinence-only site for boys) and
Iron Hymen (the abstinence-only site for girls).

Testimonials from Sex Is For Fags:

"Bert F.: 'My body is a sacred place, for holy stuff like Capri Sun juices, Lunchable Chicken Dunks, and Slim Jims (I like to snap into them!). The one thing that won't EVER go into my body? Girl slime!'

"Zach P.: 'Premarital sex isn't worth it! You can catch AIDS, or cancer, or testicle weevils, or a bad body image or rickets. You know what IS worth it? Making love to Jesus. Because you can't knock Him up and He'll never ask what you're thinking – cuz He already knows!'"

Testimonials from Iron Hymen:

"Brianna K.: 'Iron Hymen taught me how to use super-effective strategies for just abstaining from natural stuff. And it works so good, that now when I get all old, I'm going to abstain from wrinkles and dying, too!'

"Muffy P.: 'OHMIGOD, like, Iron Hymen taught me to respect myself way too much to ever let some hairy creep hock man-lugies on my Godly cervix like it's some gross subway platform!'"