'Tain't funny, Magee.

As much as anything, I just want this documented while it's reasonably fresh in my memory.

My phone rang about about ten minutes to midnight tonight, just a couple of minutes after I got home from eating dinner after band rehearsal.  We both looked at the clock (in a "what time exactly is it that someone is calling?" reflex -- 11:51 according to the clock on our microwave), and Chip said, "Well, at this time of night, it's probably okay to answer it."

So I answered it.

"Is this Billy?"  (a slight Southern accent in the voice)

"Who's calling?"

"This is Johnny.  Remember me?"

You need to know that I have an uncle named Johnny, and, though this voice sounded a bit deeper than his, I thought maybe he had a cold or something.  And the "remember me?" question is not entirely out of keeping with his personality.

I said, "How are you doing?"

"Why weren't you at the meeting last Tuesday night?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"You said you were going to come to the meeting last Tuesday night.  Why didn't you come?"  (Pretty sure now that this is not my Uncle Johnny...)

"Honestly, I don't know what you're talking about.  I don't remember telling anyone I would be at a any meetings last Tuesday."  (I don't have to think about this -- I have band rehearsals every Tuesday night, so if I promise to go somewhere else on a Tuesday, not only do I not forget to go, I call two or three people in the band to tell them that I won't be at rehearsal.)  "Are you sure you have the right number?"

"This is Billy, isn't it?"

"Yes, but I cannot think of any meetings I was supposed to be at last Tuesday."

"You promised you'd be there, and a lot of people are upset that you didn't come after you promised." 

(Okay, this is starting to feel surreal.)

"What meeting are you talking about?"

"The Ku Klux Klan.  I know where you live.  You live at..."

And then he told me my address.  And he was correct.

"Do I need to come over there and get you right now?  You're name's Billy, isn't it?"

"Yes." (Not a lot of sense in denying it at this point.)  "But there are a lot of Billys out there, and a lot of Billys with my last name.  Are you sure you've got the right one?"

"Are you not Billy Rose?"

"No."

"Oh.  Then I have the wrong number."  And he hung up.

I thought about it for a few seconds and called the closest police station's non-emergency number and explained the call to them.  A few minutes later, the doorbell rang, and I went outside to talk to two policemen.  I told them the content of the phone call.  I said, "I suppose there was no explicit, direct threat in there, but it disturbs me.  He had my address right, so I don't understand how he could have a wrong number."

One of the policemen said, "Are you listed?"

"Yes, but I'm listed under my real name.  If they were looking for 'Billy Rose,' they wouldn't have found me."

"Well, you can look up any kind of information on anybody on the Internet."

"But if they used the Internet to find my correct phone number and my correct address, then they would have gotten my real name, too."

Bottom line: There's not a lot the police can do about it (not that I thought they could) other than listen to me and make a record of my report.  They gave me a slip with a CAD number on it, telling me that if they call again, and especially if they make any more obvious threats, to call the station and give them the CAD number so it would be reported as part of the same incident.

This reminded me very much of how I felt many years ago in a somewhat similar situation.  I used to record the band's information recording -- when and where the band would meet for specific events, or if someone wanted to join the band, when and where we rehearse.  One week when I was checking the answering machine messages, there was one short one: "Thanks for telling me where to find you.  I'll be down there next week with a shotgun."  I was hearing this about half an hour before the start of the rehearsal where the guy had threatened to show up with a shotgun.

It's a weird, surreal, helpless feeling.  It brings waves of absolute insecurity in which you are certain that someone out there, just out of your sight, is poised and waiting to harm you or kill you if they can.  By definition, it is terrorism.  I don't use the word lightly (like some "news" networks I could name).  I mean it literally -- the point of terrorism is to make someone else afraid all the time, not knowing whether they will be attacked, not knowing whether someone who wants to hurt or kill you is waiting outside the next door or around the next corner.  For about half an hour after the call, I felt unsafe enough that I considered calling around to see if I could find a hotel room for the night, just so I wouldn't have to sleep in this apartment tonight.

So if this was someone's idea of a funny prank call, I hope he is smart enough never to admit to it when I am within reaching distance of him.

Question

Srsly.

Would it be appropriate to refer to Glenn Beck or Bill O'Reilly or Ann Coulter or Sean Hannity or any one of that group of propagandists as a "proselytute"?

Or does "proselytize" carry too much of a religious connotation?

[UPDATE: No responses from anyone. I just went ahead and added the word to the Addictionary:

"proselytute - noun, Someone who receives pay for presenting political or religious opinions disguised as fact or news

"Usage - The cable news station's pundit made millions working as a proselytute, but his lucrative career was cut short when he was arrested in a proselytution sting."]

Chapter IV, in which I become a threat to Christianity

An accountant, standing in front of an office supply store (Patrick & Co.), smiling and waving.

Yep, that image sure would make me quake in my boots.

Ordinarily, I would expect that a Christian anti-defamation commission who wished to instill fear in their followers would choose a picture of a drag queen in stiletto heels, fishnet stockings and full leather regalia, brandishing a whip over an ecstatic semi-nude figure wearing a George W. Bush mask. But, no, apparently an accountant in sunglasses will frighten people just as well.

Long story short, the Christian Anti-Defamation Commission has used this photo of me as one of the illustrations for their article, "Inaugural Warning: P for Perverse":

"To ensure no one misses the perversion, the Inaugural parade will include a homosexual marching band with their rainbow flags flying proud with millions of our nation’s children and Christians watching. This is the same band that proudly advertises that it will march in the homosexual Southern Decadence parade, known for its vulgarity and lewd acts in public. In 2003, the Atlanta Journal Constitution reported that it had 'become routine' for men to flash their genitals and perform public sex acts at the event, which bills itself as ‘the Gay Mardis Gras.’ Have fun explaining that to the little ones.

"Celebrating a person’s sin sends a message of approval.

"In order to be consistent in using this kind of reasoning, Obama ought to have a stripper lead off the inaugural parade followed by the Hell’s Angel’s Motorcycle Drill Team followed by the Crips Precision Handgun Corp. and the Transvestite Fashion Police. Just because something exists in society does not mean it is good and is to be paraded in front of everyone, especially children."

NetRight again

Apparently, I am now subscribed to their daily newsletter that is chock full o' conservative goodness, regardless of whether I asked for it.

So let's play.

Here are two of the stories they recommended I post;

E-mail smear campaign against Nancy Pelosi is untrue: A widely circulated e-mail accusing Nancy Pelosi of granting minimum wage exemptions to a company that her husband owned stock in is incorrect on two fronts: (1) the company in question was not granted a wage exemption and (2) her husband has never owned stock in that company.

E-mail smear campaign against Barack Obama is untrue: A widely circulated e-mail claimed that Barack Obama filed a class-action suit that required banks to loan money to poor people who could not repay the loans, and thus he personally caused the current economic crisis. In fact, the suit in question only charged that one particular bank had discriminated in its lending practices (rejecting applications from black people but approving loans to white people with equal income and economic status). As an attorney, Obama worked on the case for about three hours but was not in charge of it.

Okay, I'm lying. They do not recommend these stories at all. Really, their top stories today involve Barack Obama's "identity crisis" (he used to be called "Barry," but not anymore, so what's up with that?) and a video of Fred Thompson talking about the economy. Pretty innocuous and petty stuff, actually.

But as long as they feel free to sign me up for their "conservative hot topics" newsletter without my approval, and as long as they misrepresent me as being a "conservative blogger," then I'll feel free to misrepresent what they stand for. It only seems fair.

The difference is that I will tell you when I'm lying.

Copycat Auction

Last week I posted about the Australian woman selling an opened condom packet and a photo of the knickers that she found under her bedsheets.

Well, it looks like someone has decided to try to cash in on this auction by diverting people who search eBay for terms related to that auction.

This auction is entitled, "Empty CONDOM Packet KNICKERS Tart's PHOTO." The seller is selling four items:

(1) a photo of "a fat tart's knickers";
(2) a photo of some key lime tarts;
(3) a photo of the Knicks; and
(4) a photo of an empty condom packet.

There is a long and rambling narrative about how the bad economy has kicked the seller's butt, so he's just trying to scrounge some money together by selling odd things.

Call me cynical, but if you name an eBay auction "Empty CONDOM Packet KNICKERS Tart's PHOTO" less than a week after the world press has run a story about an eBay auction entitled, "EMPTY CONDOM PACKET & A PHOTO OF 'THE TART'S' KNICKERS," you'll have a difficult time convincing me that it's purely a coincidence.

Something to make you angry....

According to an article in the Telegraph, a Russian judge has declared that sexual harassment is necessary for the survival of our species.

A woman had filed suit against her employer after he required her to have "intimate relations" with him. She refused, and she has been locked out of the office ever since.

According to the Telegraph story, "The judge said he threw out the case not through lack of evidence but because the employer had acted gallantly rather than criminally.

"'If we had no sexual harassment we would have no children,' the judge ruled. . . .

"Only two women have won sexual harassment cases since the collapse of the Soviet Union, one in 1993 and the other in 1997."

Ding, Dong the Witch Is Dead

The man who was my senator (not by my choice) for most of the first half of my life died this morning at age 86.

Normally, I'd speak respectfully of the dead, but this man had no respect for anyone who didn't agree with him, and he actively and willfully caused harm to people for many, many years.

One story that was spread widely about him was that he was the main reason that Reagan did not take action on AIDS during the 1980's. The reported conversation was along the lines of "Look who it's killing -- gays, Haitians and drug users. Let it do our work for us." It may prove to be apocryphal, but it's certainly easy to believe as true.

Unquestionably, Helms went to great pains to stop federal funding for AIDS research and AIDS education programs. He said that telling people how not to get AIDS was promoting homosexual activity, and the government shouldn't pay for that. He was famously quoted as saying that if young people read about safe sex practices, they would want to try them. Whoopi Goldberg's response was, "Well, Jesse, who are you fucking and what's his name, because I know you read the pamphlet."

Yet if you go to the Helms Center's web site, Helms is painted as a tireless fighter against AIDS (in Africa).

In 2005, Helms wrote a memoir in which he claimed a change of heart on AIDS (in Africa, not in degenerates and illegal aliens). Well, this is one instance in which forgiveness should not be on the table. His actions in the 1980's almost certainly killed people or at least contributed to their deaths, and saying "I was wrong" just ain't nowhere near enough to make up for the devasation he left in his path.

He was also famous for another quote (quoting here from Frommer's): In response to the popular desire for establishing a North Carolina state zoo, "(f)ormer Senator Jesse Helms, a right-wing conservative, once asked, 'Why build a zoo when we can just put up a fence around Chapel Hill?'"

People from Chapel Hill are very fond of this quote, and they will recite it at any given opportunity....